Grim Encounters
by Secretly Immortal
Summary: Death is a terrifying concept. But a pretty normal, if oddly humored, person. Nice enough, but hard to take serious. That didn't seem to matter to her. As long as she could get the souls she wanted, nothing really did.


The first time any of them meet Death, it is the most gorgeous day they can remember. Well, not really. It's a gorgeous day to be certain, one of those rare ones that blesses Forks so infrequently, but not the MOST gorgeous. And they remember quite a few days. Still, the sun is bright, they lounge about their home in the warmth of the beautiful radiation shining through the house.

Laugh. Cut up. Enjoy life. Or whatever their existence counts as. It's all very peaceful. It's all very calm. Happy and wonderful. They have the house to themselves because the, ahem, _parents_ are out right now. And then someone knocks at the door.

On any other day, that would have been fine (not really) but today it was just odd. Considering they hadn't heard anyone approaching the house or walking up the front steps, it was doubly odd. And they fell silent. But the knocking stops. And silence falls on the other side of the door. An unnatural silence. As if the world is holding its collective breath. And then,

"Little pigs, little pigs! Come let me in!" This is crowed out so suddenly half of them jump or flinch. It's followed by a cackling laughter. "This is the part where you all say, ' _Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins!_ '" but they don't say that.

They're looking at each other, perplexed, and Edward only breaks the silence to tell his siblings, "I can't hear they're thoughts..." in a whisper that screams some amount of terror.

"You're not playing your parts right," the stranger, a woman if the decidedly feminine voice was any factor, sighed from the other side of the wood. And then the door was blasted off its hinges. Exploding inward in chips and chunks that turned to ash before they ever hit the carpet. "Man I love doin' that."

Instinct usually would have had them on high alert, moving into action. Ready to defend themselves, each other, and their homestead. But a stronger instinct took them. It held them fast. It was fear.

"Hey kiddos, I know you don't know me. But you do, actually! I'm sure if you look deep inside your heart, you'll find the courage to accept what your every animal instinct is crying right now. It's true... I am The End. I am the Last Breath on your lips before your body dies and begins to rot. I am your fear of the unknown and The Unknown that you fear. I. Am. DEATH!"

She pauses for a moment, thinking on something. Then adds, "As in, capital d." Because it's important to note. Obviously.

Emmett laughs. It bubbles up, sounds half crazed and half terrified, and stops when Rosalie glares at him. He mutters an apology, but Death waves it away, still wearing that grin she'd walked in with. Because she hadn't stopped. Grinning, that is.

Not once.

"Oh I like him." She chuckles, her eyes lighting upon the rest of the Cullen siblings. "Well, I kinda like all of you. But he's fun. And big." She says this as she winks at Alice. As though friends. In another world Alice might have pouted or giggled. But she was wide eyed and silent as the rest of them.

Except Emmett, who seemed to have decided this was a joke. Or something.

"That was a really cool trick with the door," he told her. "How'd you do it?" Her grin grows and she casually strolls over to the couches where they sit and plops down on one.

"I am capable of many great feats, young one. For instance," with a flick of her wrist the door materializes out of... nothing. And is then set back into place. Emmett even claps. Rosalie growls and elbows him in the side. It sounds almost like a small car crash.

She'd decided this was a joke (or something) as well. She glowered at the unwelcome guest.

"What do you want?" It seemed the safest question she could demand an answer of. _What are you_ , had been answered. And, _Who the hell do you think you are_ , seemed like it'd get the same result. Her eyes, which were brown, lit up. She snapped her fingers,

"Ah," she cried softly, snapping her fingers. "Almost forgot." She stood up from her position lounging on the couch, straightening out her clothes - which consisted of black, ripped skinny jeans and a red tank top with a grinning skull on it - and clearing her throat as she folded her hands over her stomach, chin tilting high. "Dear ass bags," she began with an air of importance.

"I don't like you. I just wanted you to know that your behavior over the last century is unacceptable. And I can't stand for it any longer. This is no warning. This is not a punishment. Not really. This is me, Lady Grim, telling you all very calmly that I will now be very closely monitoring your activities such that I may be certain they are of an appropriate sort."

Emmett's hand lifted into the air slowly as she sat back down on the couch, sinking into it with a sigh. Damn comfortable. For a bunch of undead, they sure had surprisingly comfortable shit. They didn't even need it. She thought to herself, _Oh you fancy, huh?_ Opulence was defined by the unnecessary.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen, you may address the class," she drawls, chuckling to herself.

"Um... what?" She smiled warmly at him.

"This is why you're my favorite," she told him. Rosalie's eyes narrowed. 'Lady Grim' ignored her. "Kiddies don't pretend you know any better what I was talking about. I was speaking in cryptic tongues just to fuck with you."

They were now all almost certain this was a joke. So Alice finally relaxed enough to giggle at that. Jasper even rolled his eyes, snorting. "Kiddies," he muttered, "Right."

"Awww, don't get your knickers in such a twist, boy," she snickered in return. "Now listen up I'm going to get real... You guys are a bunch bass ackwards little fucks. I mean, to be fair I should have known better than to leave a loop hole, but fuck! How was I to know you'd eat animals?! WHAT KIND OF FUCKING VAMPIRE EATS ANIMALS!?" She paused sucking in a deep breath to calm herself. Began again,

"I'm not even mad, I'm just disappointed. If I'd made you to eat animals, you'd be human. Or an animal. Like. I dunno, lions or some shit..." She hummed to herself, before blinking and shaking her head. "I made you. I made you to counter the human population. And you? You fucking ass holes refuse to eat people. Do you know how that makes me feel? VERY uncomfortable. You see this means I'll have to do it myself. And that shit pisses me off. I'm Santa, you're my elves, do your fucking job!"

"But aren't you, uh, Death?" Edward ventured. "Wouldn't that make it _your_ job?"

"Boy," he couldn't even describe the sound she made. "I will _erase_ your existence, don't you question me! Damn it, this is why I call you kiddies, asking fucking questions like you know nothing! Just make the fucking toys!"

"Don't you mean eat people?" Rosalie corrected. This was a joke. Had to be.

"I KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" She broke off, growling lowly. "Damn it, fuck this." And then the sunshine fled. The room was plunged into darkness. And out of the darkness flames rose. " **I AM YOUR LORD AND MASTER, YOU DARE DEFY ME! _ME?!_** " With every bellow and howl the house shook. Paintings fell, mirrors cracked. Strange winds tore through the room. One priceless vase shattered against the wall.

"Awww man, Esme's going to kill me!" Emmett whined. Sure he'd be blamed for this.

" **I**... really? You had to ruin that moment?" The flames died down. Scorch marks were left on the floor, the room left in disarray. The young woman stood rubbing at her temples. Scowling. "Ugh, I need a drink." And she was gone. Sunshine came back. The door fell off its hinges. It was quiet, except for birdsong, and very softly, the sound of the river behind their home.

"What... Just happened?"

* * *

 **Sooooo... I don't even know how to explain this. I just wanted to have fun.** **And I don't own anything.**


End file.
